


The Efflorescence of Sonny Carisi

by sonsickteen



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Anxiety Attacks, Canada, Canon, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Date Rape, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, New York City, Nick Amaro - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Barba, Trans Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Trans Male Character, Trans!Sonny, Traveling, Undercover, bff Amanda, bff nick, taking it slow, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-08-14 12:23:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16492538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonsickteen/pseuds/sonsickteen
Summary: The Healing of Sonny Carisi.





	1. The Morning After the Rape of Sonny Carisi

**Author's Note:**

> We mayhaps snapped! OH PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE R?APE SCENES! IT'S VERY GRAPHIC.

The sunlight that was shining through the blinds was too bright for Rafael and something was caressing his cheek. He opened one eye and saw his whole life right there-- Sonny. He looked beautiful, the way his light brown and greyish locks fell perfectly on his face. Rafael wanted to stay here all day, caressing every part of the younger man’s body, be with the younger man every way he could. And yet, he knows he can’t, he knows he can’t be with him the way he wants because of the way Sonny’s cheeks and nose were still red, the dried tears still on his face. 

 

“What’s your number today, mi cariño?” Rafael rasped, Sonny breathed out slowly and hesitantly he gave his answer, “3” That was not the answer he was looking for, though he didn't let Sonny show his hurt, his sadness. 

 

“Is there anything I can do?” Sonny shakes his head in response, a tear falling down his face. 

 

“I’m a man, right?” There’s so much hurt in his voice, it sounds so tired, so defeated, so scared. 

 

“Of course, of course, you are mi amor. You are much more of a man than I could ever be. You’re so much stronger than me, and hell way manlier than me, by far.” 

 

The young man nods fervently, but tears are coming down his eyes faster than ever and a sob leaves his lips, it's heavy and throaty. Rafael’s chest hurts even more now, a tear slips out of his eye and he just wraps his arms around his boyfriend. “What happened was not your fault whatsoever” his voice was rough and a sob was ready to escape but he stayed strong, “what happened when you were UC was not your fault, you didn’t want to break your cover and I wish it didn’t go that far, I really wish it didn’t, and I apologize for not pulling you out sooner. I do” Rafael cried out as he kept rubbing the shoulder of his love, and kept pulling him even closer. He never wanted him near that man ever again. 

 

“Liv wants you to stay home for a while, and I’ve taken a week or two off, so if you want to go anywhere, just tell me and we can go, or if you want to stay here, we’ll stay here. You tell me whatever you want to do, cariño.” Rafael continues, calming down a bit. He had to be strong for Sonny. He needs to be. He releases Sonny from his hug and Sonny places his head on Rafael’s chest, looking up

 

“I’ve always wanted to try poutine.” Sonny raps out weakly but there’s a small smile against his lips.

 

“Montreal?” Rafael asks, and Sonny nods, a bigger smile on his face. That’ll leave a dent in his wallet, but this, anything for his Sonny. “Yeah, we can do that.”

 

__________

 

Sonny was being lulled to sleep by the music in his headphones and by his boyfriend stroking his thigh every so often. Rafael was glad that Sonny would be taking a quick nap, the detective surely needed it. He decided to pay for some wifi on the plane to send a quick email to Liv and be somewhat productive despite the flight only being an hour long. He needed something to do, something to take his mind off of what was going on. 

 

_ Morning Liv,  _

 

_ Carisi and I are spending a few days in Montreal. We’ll see you back in a week or two.  _

 

The email was sent and Rafael sighed, ripped off that band-aid at least, he thought. Now to deal with the other issue at hand, how to help Sonny. It’s crazy to think, he’s dealt with many rape victims and now when that  _ victim  _ is his boyfriend. He sighs, how is he supposed to do this? He opens up his email again and sends another email to Liv. 

 

_ Sorry, follow up.  _

 

_ How do I do this? Carisi was up all night sobbing, crying, he was breaking down, and all I could do was just hold him. He spent the day just sitting there on the couch, staring at nothing. He would cry every once in a while and I couldn’t touch him. I only held him when he was in the shower, he was trying to scratch and wash his body with really hot water. My baby was screaming and I just held him. He’s hurting and I don’t know what to do. I just want that sonofabitch who did this to him dead. Carisi’s hurting. _

 

_ Liv, just tell me what to do.  _

 

He sent that email, and put on his headphones and falls asleep as well. 

 

When he awakes again, Sonny is shaking him awake. “The plane’s just landed, Rafi.” 

 

Rafael nods, his tiredness caught up to him, he stood up and grabbed the bags from the top, Sonny grabbed his bag from Rafael’s hand and slung it over his shoulder and then locked fingers with Rafael’s free hand. 

  
  


—-

  
  


The hotel they’ve booked is in old town Montreal, going by the name of Auberge Les Bons Mantis. It’s cute as hell, it’s colourful and the opposite of Rafael’s taste in hotels but he wanted this to be about Sonny, about making  _ him  _ feel better. So what that he has to step out of his comfort zone? He loves Sonny too much to be selfish. They get to their room on the second floor, the walls are blue as yellow and the bed is right in the middle of the room, they have a small living area and a bathroom in another room.

 

“This is amazing, Rafi.” Sonny whispers as he sets his things down, he turns to his boyfriend and hugs him. “Thank you for doing this for me.” 

 

“No problem, mi amor. Te quiero.” 

 

“Te quiero también.” 

 

Sonny looks at Rafael and slowly leans in and initiates the soft kiss. Rafael drops his bags on the floor and Sonny leads them to the edge of the bed. They kiss sitting down on the bed for a while and Sonny decides to get on top of Rafael, sitting on his lap ever so slightly. Rafael’s hands get a kid of their own and he runs his hands down his lover’s shoulders and down his back, then grabbing his butt. Sonny stutters as they kiss and pulls away quickly.

 

“I’m- I’m sorry. I can’t do that just-“ 

 

“No, no forgive me, that was my fault.” Rafael felt bad again. 

 

“We can cuddle if that’s okay with you?” Sonny suggests and Rafael nods, anything he can take he’ll get. He just needs to be close to Sonny. 

 

They lie down on the bed, Sonny in the older man's arms. The two lie like this for a while and the two start drifting, not saying anything, just together in the silence. 

 

____

 

_ His hands are sweating, he doesn’t know how far he’ll get, but he had to try. The music was loud and god he’d probably have hearing problems if it wasn’t for the earpiece he had on. He was dressed, well not his usual self. Sonny was wearing a cropped sleeveless shirt and tight skinny jeans, he wasn’t comfortable in this attire but this was the only way they’d catch their perp. This man killed and raped many young males in clubs spanning from Staten Island to the Bronx. _

 

_ Amanda was close by, she was sitting at the bar while Sonny was navigating through the dance floor. Fin was at the edge of the dance floor blending in and watching Sonny as well. A small little mosh and started when another song came on and Sonny was stuck in the middle losing sight of both detectives. Bodies were pushing up against him and it suddenly became too hot, someone grabbed his hand, it was a man, much older than him but much bigger than him.  _

 

_ “Seems like you need out of this?” The man asked Sonny, the detective nodded, if this guy was trying to help him, then let him. He couldn’t think of what was wrong about what the man was doing, he was freaking out and there was a white noise in his ear. He was pulled out of the crowd and thanked the man but the latter wouldn’t let go.  _

 

_ “Hey, hey hey, I did that for you now you gotta do something for me, no? That’s only fair.” It seemed like Sonny snapped out of his daze, but only for a second, and in that second he realized it was Him. This was that serial rapist. He fits the description witnesses had been giving. Suddenly, Sonny wants to scream but he can’t because the guy has already dragged him into a broom closet.  _

 

_ “Now, you don’t have to do this-”  his plea was cut off by the man’s hand on his mouth.  “If you don’t talk, I’ll make it easy for you.”  _

 

_ So Sonny did that, when the man's hand was removed from his mouth, he was pushed against the wall of the janitorial closet. The man pulled Sonny’s pants down, and Sonny flinched, tears falling down his flustered face. The Perp chuckled as he looked down at Sonny’s crotch, “Oh, wow! My boy here’s actually a woman! A pretty one in fact.” He grabbed Sonny with his hand and started sobbing. He can’t, he can’t.  _

 

_ “Please- Please don’t-” Sonny was smacked with the man’s other hand and pulled his own pants down. He lifted the helpless detective up by his legs and forced himself inside Sonny. The young man was crying, sobbing, and he was basically defenceless, he couldn’t do anything in fear of the large man harming him. The man kept calling Sonny “baby girl” and that really did it for Sonny. He never really wanted death more than right at that moment.  _

 

_ What seemed like hours of this nightmare, ended abruptly when the door to the closet was busted open and Sonny cried the only word that seems to come to his mind, “Rafi”. _

 


	2. The Silence of Sonny Carisi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not speaking is better than speaking.

The water was starting to get cold in the tub and Sonny started shivering but he didn’t want to get out just yet. There was something calm about being in a bathroom with colourful tiles and a large window with the scenery outside is falling snow. It made him feel somewhat safe. The bruises on his inner thighs were still purple and tender but he had been making sure to take care of them and Rafael was a big help. He would help Sonny apply topical bruise cream to his back and arms and Sonny would take care of his thighs. It was a process they started only a few days ago but it definitely felt nice to have some sort of structure in his life. Something to keep him stable.   


There’s a soft rap on the door and Sonny knew his boyfriend was worried for him. “Give me a few,” Sonny rasped and started getting up out of the water, his limbs were cramping but he got up out of the cold bathwater and grabbed his towel next to the tub. After towelling off, he slipped on his boxers and one of his sweatshirts. He looks in the mirror for a second, looking at his tired eyes, and bruised cheek and sighs shakily.   
  
_Sonny, you are not okay right now. You will be okay, you don't know when, but you will. You have a boyfriend who loves you and cares for you and you love him. You are not okay, but you will be. You just need to breathe._

 

He doesn’t know how many times he repeats this to himself but he does and once he feels semi-confident to leave, he exits the room. He sees Rafael on the bed, watching a movie on his laptop. Wow, he’d have never thought he’d see his lawyer boyfriend not working. And here he was, watching Silver Linings Playbook on his work laptop. Sonny gets on the bed and curls up, laying his head on his boyfriend's arm.   
  
“Do you want to go out today, cariño?” Rafael mumbles and Sonny nods, “Poutine.” Was all that he said, Rafael chuckled and kissed his boyfriend’s head.   
“Let’s watch this movie first though?” Rafael asks but in reality, he just wants to nap. Sonny nods and kisses the closest piece of Rafael, which is his chest. He starts to watch the movie but when he hears Rafael’s breath even out he starts to shut his eyes too.   
  
When they both awake the sun is peeking from the clouds and Sonny knows it’s time to get up. He sighs and sits up and immediately his stomach growls and hears a chuckle from next to him. “Lunch?” Rafael asks and Sonny nods.   
  
“Well let’s get ready then.”   
  
The two get dressed rather quickly and get on their coats and are out the door quickly. The cool breeze hits Sonny when he opens the hotel doors and the snow that lay on the streets made him feel comfortable here, he felt relieved at the change of scenery and temperature. He really needed this. The two get a Lyft and as soon as it arrives they head for the restaurant close by.   
  
Rafael could feel how tense Sonny was as he put his hand on top of Sonny’s. His hands were stiff and clammy and he knew this was going to be hard. He’d do anything for Sonny so he can learn to be okay. He just didn’t know how to start.   
  
“I want you to know, I appreciate you and I care for you, if you ever need me for anything, I am here.” Sonny nods at his boyfriend’s kind words, but that’s it. He doesn’t want to hear his voice, he’s fine with being silent but he presses a kiss to Rafael’s forehead.

 

They arrive at Montreal Poutine and sit in a booth in the back. Once the waitress brings their drinks, the two feel laxer as they drink their beer. “I think we should check out the Underground City once we grab a bite and the World Trade Centre as well,” Rafael suggests and sips on beer. Sonny nods, picking at his nail as he does so.

 

“Unless… you don’t want to do that,” Rafael chews on his lip, “we can do whatever you want. If you want to stay at the hotel we can, we can go out once you feel more comfortable.” Sonny just shakes his head and puts on a weak smile, leaning in to kiss the corner of his boyfriend's mouth. Sonny wants to go out with his boyfriend he just feels like everyone is staring at him as if he’s prey.

 

“You sure?” Sonny nods and kisses Rafael again, now interlocking their fingers. Well, Rafael feels a little better. The two spend time looking at the menu and deciding on what they want on their poutine and once they waitress comes by they order it and Sonny feels better, not enough to talk but he has a genuine smile on his face. It might be temporary but Rafael is glad he sees it.

 

The poutine comes out in record time and Sonny doesn’t waste time by digging into the gravy-soaked fries with bacon and cheese curds on top. He feeds some to Rafael with his fork and vice versa. It’s an odd combination for Sonny but he’s in love with it and he keeps on eating until he’s stuffed and Rafael finishes the rest. Once they’re both finished at the restaurant they pay and order another Lyft.

 

________

 

The ambulance was cold and the blanket wrapped around Sonny was scratch and wasn’t making him feel anymore paranoid and scared. Amanda was there with him, putting her hand on his leg, rubbing small circles into his skin, he was shuddering but he appreciated the gesture. The ambulance came to a stop and he was rolled out, Amanda still holding his hand. Sonny just wished it was Rafael’s hand.

Once he was situated in a room, he was given a rape kit which he did not enjoy and once he was settled in a bed, he finally could exhale when he saw his boyfriend. He sobbed in Rafael’s arms, squeezing the man’s arm as hard as he could, it was the only thing giving a firm grasp on reality.

 

“It’s okay, mi amor. Estoy aquí, no te voy a dejar, mi amor.”

Sonny calmed down after ten minutes or so but he wouldn’t let go of his boyfriend’s arm, especially when Liv and Fin came in his room. He answered some questions he was stuttering up a storm when doing so but it felt better knowing he could talk to these people, his friends.

 

“I don’t w-want to testify.” He felt wrong saying that but now since he was a victim he could see why some did what they did. Sonny never wanted to see that man ever again.

 

“And you don’t have to,” Liv looked shocked as she heard that but tried to suppress her emotions, “We already have a few vics ready to testify. All you need to do is go home with Rafa, and wrap your head around all this.”

 

Sonny nods and buries his head in Rafael’s chest. With that, Liv and Fin leave and the doctor comes in. The doctor is nice to Sonny and refers him to therapists and how he should deal with his bruises and bruised ribs and prescribes him medicine for the pain. It’s all a blur from there and when Sonny comes back to consciousness, he’s back in his apartment and Rafael his helping him get ready for bed. He flinches when Rafael grabs the hem of his shorts down and puts his back to the wall closest to him.

 

“I-I got it.” Sonny stutters and Rafael nods understanding handing his boyfriend his sweatpants. Sonny slips them on and when that’s done, Sonny hugs Rafael and sobs again. He can’t do this. He can’t.

 

They release from the hug, and Rafael has tears running down his cheeks. He feels horrible for his boyfriend feeling this way. He almost feels responsible for what happened in that club tonight. They caught the bastard, but it was too late, he had gotten to Sonny.

  


_**_____** _

 

The trip to the Underground City and the World Trade Centre of Montreal was wonderful, lots of walking, but wonderful. Rafael sighs as he gets into bed, Sonny already asleep, covered in the duvet and the silk blanket. He checks his phone and sees he has a email from Liv. Thank god.

 

_Good morning, Rafa._

 

 _I hope Sonny is doing ok. Well better than he did earlier. There isn’t really an easy way to come back from this,  knowing Sonny, soon he’ll be very angry and you need to understand that it’s not your fault. Try to be patient when he starts getting angry, talk to him calmly or don’t say anything at all, just keep your eye out on him. You being there for him, taking him out of the city- it helps him, it helps him a lot. I remember when_ _all that_ _happened to me, I just wanted to be alone for most of the time, that didn’t help. Be there for him let him do all the talking, and he doesn’t talk, be silent with him. Just hold him. Hold his hand._

 

_Our perp plead guilty, minimum he’ll be doing is 30. Whenever Sonny feels more comfortable tell him this. It’ll help. Trust me._

 


	3. An Insight On Sonny Carisi’s Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not particularly proud of this but it gives insight on carisi’s life.

As Rafael turned to cuddle with his boyfriend he was met with his lover absent from his side. He can see light from under the bathroom and then he sits up more alert when he hears sobbing. Rafael gets up out of bed and sits next to the door. He listens for a few seconds and then taps on the door.

 

“Y-yes?” Sonny stutters out.

 

“When we first hooked up, we were both drunk out of our minds. We went out because you passed the-“ 

 

“BAR. Yeah, you texted me late at night and wanted to celebrate it since you knew I just went straight home after work… you remember that?” 

 

Rafael smiled at that, leaning his head against the door. “Of course.”

 

There was silence through Sonny’s side so Rafael continued. “I was the first one you came out to as trans in the squad. And I was confused at first by you telling me this because we weren’t as close back then but, it made sense you told me that, you were piss drunk.” Sonny giggles and Rafael smiles at that. 

“For your twenty-fifth birthday, you had top surgery. You were under the operating table for hours and you were on so much anesthesia when you awoke and came to.. you started screaming because you looked down and your breasts were gone.” Sonny’s soft pained giggles filled Rafael’s ears. Good.

 

“You said and I quote, “My tits! Who the fuck took my tits!” And it took a while of convincing, you were still completely out of it. So when you did you started crying, and said  _ I’m a man _ !

 

Teresa said it was the happiest you had ever been, and that you couldn’t stop talking about it for weeks on end, and when your chest was healed and you were ready to take off your bandages, you cried and you hugged like everyone in your family like 5 times every day. And whenever you were home you refused to wear a shirt for the longest time.”  

 

There was silence for a while and then Sonny finally spoke. 

 

“I’m coming outside now.” 

 

Rafael took this as his cue to move and stand up. When Sonny came outside the bathroom, he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He smiles at Rafael and lifts up his arms, and flexes. 

 

“I’m a sexy man, no?” 

 

“The sexiest.” 

 

Sonny walks up to Rafael and kisses him. Their height difference allowed Sonny to take control and push Rafael onto the bed and get on his lap. Things start to get heated and Rafael’s shirt comes off but before any more articles of clothes are removed Rafael stops kissing Sonny. 

 

“Are you sure you want to continue this? I’m okay with continuing this at a later time.” 

 

Sonny looks at Rafael and breathes out, “Let’s- let’s just kiss.” Rafael nods, and he’s perfectly fine with that. He’d wait forever for Sonny. 

 

Rafael takes his time, running his hands along Sonny’s chest, kissing the man on top of him softly and deeply. Once they were getting more heated, more sloppy, Rafael starts kissing his boyfriend’s neck, slowly and then once he’s accustomed to it, he starts nipping at the younger’s throat and collarbone. Sonny starts to sigh contently and starts rubbing himself against Rafael. That makes the man underneath moan and he goes back to kissing Sonny, kneading his fingers into the younger man’s butt. They kept rubbing up against each other, the two getting more desperate by the second, faster as if the two needed it. 

 

Rafael is shuddering and then he can’t take it anymore, he comes and kisses Sonny with want, trying to get his boyfriend off without pushing any boundaries. He grabs the young man’s hips and grinds down, Sonny moans into Rafael’s mouth as the two kiss. They both come down, heavy breaths and Sonny smiles, he’s in total bliss. 

 

“I love you.”

 

“Te amo, también.”

 

Rafael wakes up with his partner not lying next to him, at first he’s scared that maybe Sonny was back in the bathroom, freaking out with another episode of dysphoria. The first thing he does is check his phone and sighs and relief when he sees a text from Sonny. 

 

_ went for a quick run, I’ll be back with breakfast.  _

 

Rafael sighs and stretches his body and begrudgingly gets out of bed and into the bathroom. Once he’s out of the shower, Sonny is back and he quickly pulls on jeans and a sweater and walks into the kitchen. 

 

Sonny’s hair is unkempt and his grey sweatshirt is damp and Rafael could hear his heavy breaths, he worked out a lot. “How was your run?”

 

“Fine.” That answer was short and not sweet. 

 

Rafael stops in his tracks, “I’m sorry, Sonny, is everything alright?”

 

He scoffs. “I’m excellent, thank you for asking, Rafael.” 

 

Rafael calms himself down and sighs.

 

“That’s good. If you need anything, I’m here.” 

 

Sonny finally looks at Rafael and nods, he grabs his breakfast and walks past his boyfriend and to the couch. Rafael grabs his small takeout box and follows his boyfriend. Rafael opens the box and finds a large round fluffy fried bread and bacon on top.

 

“Bannock. It’s food of the indigenous peoples of Canada. There’s a cafe nearby and I thought it’d be interesting to try. I know you’re a bit picky about stuff like this-”

 

“It’s perfect. Thank you.” 

 

The two eat in silence , eating the Bannock like a taco with one hand and Rafael traces his boyfriend’s hand with his fingers. Once they’re both done, Sonny puts a movie on the television and he rests his head on the armrest of the couch, opposite of Rafael. It pains him but he doesn’t want to push anything right now so he just rubs his boyfriend’s feet.

 

“There was a mosh starting in the club.  _ He  _ pulled me out and I thanked him and tried to leave but he… he wanted more.” Sonny’s voice was shaky and Rafael could feel him start to shake as well so he rubbed his leg as he watched the television. He couldn’t bring himself to turn to his boyfriend. 

 

“I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and he just told me that I wanted it. I couldn’t stop him, he yanked my pants off and he humiliated me. I still smell him, he smelled sickeningly sweet, like honey and eucalyptus shampoo. When Fin found me, I was bleeding from.. And it hurt to breathe… I was naked and the ambulance took forever and everyone was  _ staring  _ at me.” Sonny’s voice was quiet and tears shed down his face. Rafael wanted to cry but he had to show his boyfriend he’d be strong for him. 

 

“This isn’t… this isn’t the first time it happened.” His chest felt tight for his boyfriend. Rafael felt horrible. 

 

“I had just graduated college and I was dating some dude. I loved him a lot and that distracted me from well, finding a job. He let me move in with him and that was fine, but I was so blind and so… He wanted a baby from me. I told him that I didn’t, not yet at least. And it seemed like he respected my decision. And one night we had gone out for drinks and I was high and drunk and he wasn’t and he well- we had sex. Without protection of course. And I was so high to say no, so I just let it happen.” 

 

“A few weeks later, I was throwing up and I felt like shit and I went to the doctor and that’s when I found out that I was, pregnant. I did not  _ want that baby.  _ So the first thing I did was go to a clinic and I… I got rid of it. And after weeks and weeks of not telling Abel I felt guilty and I told him. And he beat the living shit out of me. Rafael he was so mad.” 

 

Rafael’s voice was raspy as he spoke, “You pressed charges right?” 

 

Sonny shook his head and Rafael nodded. 

 

“I was terrified and I didn’t tell my family for weeks until Teresa came over one night unannounced and she saw the state I was in. I filed for a restraining order but that was it.

 

I was planning to tell you earlier today but I had a nightmare about this and it… it was too much. I felt like you’d be mad at me for not wanting to press charges on him. My sister yelled at me for doing the same and I don’t think I could take it again.” 

 

“Well I don’t think you have to worry about that.” Rafael finally spoke. “He plead guilty for the other charges.” Sonny looked at him and nodded feverently. He moves to hug Rafael and kisses his jaw. 

 

“Thank you for telling me.” 


	4. A Hiccup in Sonny Carisi’s Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a lot to write but now I know where I want to take this tee hee.

Sonny had chosen to go to a bar downtown that was quiet enough for the two of them to have a drink in peace for a few hours. Though once ten o’clock hit, university students started pouring in, it scared Rafael for a bit but Sonny seemed calm, he just sipped his beer and looked at the television which was playing hockey. “Thank you for taking me here, I needed a drink.” Sonny shouted to Rafael over the loud music and all the other voices. Rafael nodded and smiled at his partner. Rafael’s beer was nothing that he would usually have but he wasn’t going to have anything stronger. He didn’t want to get drunk and let something bad happen to him or Sonny. 

 

There’s a commercial on the television and Sonny looked over to Rafael and sipped his beer. “When we go back, things won’t be the same.” 

 

“Is that a question?”

 

“No it’s a statement. People are gonna treat me differently, they’re gonna walk around eggshells around me. I’ll probably be on desk duty for like a week or more.” 

 

Rafael nods, “Well people care about you, Sonny. I understand it might be frustrating but-“

 

“But I don’t want them to walk on eggshells around me. I want them to treat me like the did before all this.” 

 

“Then you tell them. You act like nothing happened and I’m pretty sure people it’ll click.”

 

Sonny starts to speak but Rafael cuts him off again, “but if anything happens to you or you need something, someone to talk to or you can’t handle it that day, you best be asking Amanda or Liv for help or for guidance. Nick is also there, he might not be able to relate to what you went through but he wants to understand and he’ll just listen to you and take you out to lunch, same with Fin.” He may have sounded annoyed or upset but he needed Sonny to hear it. Sonny has shut down and shut out people before whenever anything traumatic happened to him and he knows that it’s unhealthy for that to happen. His boyfriend needs to have a support system that will better himself in the long run. 

 

Sonny nods and holds Rafael’s hand that didn’t have a beer in it. “You’ll also be there, right?” He sounds a bit scared but he’s trying to play it off. Rafael nods and squeezes Sonny’s hand. 

 

“Forever.”

 

After a couple of beers, his needs to use the restroom and he asks Sonny if he wants to go with him but Sonny’s eyes don’t peel away from the TV screen so he just shakes his head. Rafael walks to the restroom at the opposite end of the bar, weaving and squeezing his way through all the people. He does his business quickly and when he comes back he sees a man attempting to flirt with Sonny. His boyfriend looks nervous but he’s trying to play it off. Rafael gets there in record time and taps the guy on the shoulder. 

 

“There a reason why you’re bothering him?” 

 

The man was much taller than Rafael but what the shorter man lacked in height he had in build. Now Rafael wasn’t a buff man but he wasn’t thin either. If anything had to come down to violence, Rafael has a decent chance. The man turns around and scoffs, turns back to Sonny. Rafael’s now fuming when that man puts his hand on Sonny’s waist, he’s surprised though when Sonny cold cocks the man. The whole bar goes quiet as the man falls to the floor. Rafael is in disbelief but Sonny acts quickly and grabs Rafael and they exit the bar. 

 

Sonny starts laughing, “that was so fucking awesome.” He stares at his knuckles which hurt like hell but he can’t believe he did that. And Rafael can’t believe he did that as well. It was so out of character but then again Sonny has been acting odd the whole trip for a reason. 

 

“Are you alright?” Rafael asks and he finds himself chuckling as he sees the smile on his boyfriend’s face.

 

“Oh god, never better, Rafi. That asshole was trying to talk to me and I was just trying to watch the game. I got annoyed and he got handsy and I was tired of it.” 

 

“I’m glad you did something about it. I’m sorry I was so mad I couldn’t formulate any words any-” Sonny kisses Rafael to shut his mouth and the two melt in the kiss. Rafael releases from the kiss and he feels bliss. Sonny giggles at his partners face and hiccups. “You’re forgiven, Rafi.”

 

“Say why don’t we go to another bar, preferably a non-university bar.” Sonny nods and takes Rafael’s hand pulling him along to find another bar.

 

Rafael jolts awake when he hears screams, Sonny is thrashing in the sheets next to him and when Rafael tries to go get close, he gets smacked in the face by Sonny. A pain blooming on the right of his face but he ignores it, trying to hold Sonny down. Eventually cradles him and Sonny stops screaming and just cries. The younger of the two keeps on crying but it’s apparent that he’s awake now. 

 

Sonny’s delirious from the nightmare and from the alcohol that’s still in his system and he keeps apologizing to Rafael, telling him that it’s his fault. The older man does his best to keep him calm and soothe him but it doesn’t work when Sonny breaks free from Rafael’s grasp and runs to the bathroom to empty his stomach. 

 

Rafael follows right behind and runs Sonny’s back as he continues to vomit into the toilet. Once he’s done, Rafael leads a delirious Sonny back to bed. After Sonny is taken care of Rafael gets into the bed next to him grabs his boyfriend’s hand, stroking it with his thumb. Once he hears his partner’s breath even out he can finally relax. 

 

Sonny is in so much pain and it pains Rafael every time he cries, he’s not sure if he’s helping. If he had just stopped Sonny from drinking so much that night maybe he would have that nightmare maybe if he would have pulled that guy away from Sonny sooner… Rafael had tears streaming down his face and he has to stifle a sob. He doesn’t know how long he can do this for. 


	5. A Brief Rundown On Sonny Carisi’s Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> interlude

When Sonny was 16 years old, he realized that he wasn’t a girl. He was dating a boy named Garrett, he wasn’t in love with Garrett, he just felt pressured to date him because of all of the rumours of Sonny being a lesbian. Though he grew to enjoy Garrett’s company and other things. 

The first time the two had sex, that was when Sonny realized. Now, Garrett was an amazing lay. He had a good stamina for a high schooler and he was good at eating Sonny out. But one thing that rubbed him the wrong way was that Garrett kept on calling him baby girl, calling him by his (now dead) name Elora. It bothered Sonny, more than it should have, though Sonny tried his best to ignore but, it became too much and that was when Sonny had his first mental breakdown.

The breakdown was a blow to not only Sonny and his family, his mother and his father had to talk to him down and physically hold him down when his freak out ended up with him wanting to leave the house. Sonny’s coming out wasn’t glorious it even took himself a while to come to terms that he wasn’t meant to be a girl. It took his mother a while to comprehend it to, even to this day she said she still wished Sonny didn’t start his transition but she still is supportive him to some extent. 

After receiving top surgery, Sonny felt much more at home with his body. His mother was extremely bothered by this so she started to talk to Sonny less and less, though the man could care less. He had his sisters and his father and he felt the way he should have felt ever since he was young. Like a man. There was always a struggle with money but he had sold all his personal belonging, though that didn’t matter because at that time that’s when he fell in love with Abel. Oh, Abel. He’ll save you the story of Abel since he already discussed it with Rafael but, he was in love with Abel. 

Abel took care of him, spoiled him really. But he wasn’t in love with him because of the money, Abel seemed like a man he’d spend the rest of his life with. Though now that Sonny looks back on it, Abel was emotionally abusive to Sonny. He was like that long before the whole baby incident. It hurt Sonny that he separated him, he partly felt like it was his fault but as Sonny started healing and seeing someone about what had happened to him, he knew it wasn’t his fault. 

Starting at SVU felt like a clean slate, he didn’t mind that Amanda or Nick giving him shit, he knew he was still a little green in this, he was new to all of this. He was definitely happier too, and then he met Rafael. Before he came out to Rafael, they weren’t together, there was so much tension between them and when Rafael finally made a move, it was more than Sonny could ever imagine. He wasn’t being too gentle with Sonny nor too rough and when Sonny had come out to him, Rafael didn’t treat him differently, nothing like Garrett or Abel. They always treated Sonny like he was going to break-- like he was soft. Rafael treated Sonny like a man. He was rough when needed or wanted and Sonny loved that. He couldn’t get enough of it. The prosecutor was a drug to the detective. 

That effect never seemed to wear off. 

——-

Sonny had finally gotten over his hangover a little too late because it was finally time to leave Montreal. He was somewhat sad, he enjoyed this place and the much colder climate than New York. But he was glad to be leaving, he missed his and Rafael’s apartment and their big bed. The two boarded on the plane, not saying a word since the morning, and it was fine. There was no tension between the two of them, it was a peaceful silence and the two enjoyed it. 

As Sonny opened the doors to their apartment, he set his bag down at the entrance, his limbs too heavy to bring his bag to their bedroom, and he slumps on the couch. Rafael follows him and Sonny lies his head on Rafael’s thighs. The older man takes his time threading his fingers through his boyfriend’s greying hair. Sonny quickly falls asleep with the comforting movement and he sighs once that happens. He gets a text from Liv saying that she hopes the both of them got home safely and she hopes Sonny takes as much time as he needs. 

Rafael knows that most likely Sonny will be back at work tomorrow, though that might be desk duty until Sonny is much more mobile and mentally capable to handle field work. It scares the man, Sonny is known not to take care of himself and he’s worried that he’ll pent up all his emotions so he can do his work and that that might end up in him crashing and burning. It’s very inevitable, Rafael knows that and there’s nothing that Rafael can do. He can only tell his boyfriend that he’s there for him and that he loves him.


End file.
